The Downside of Fame

One of the problems of being a successful politician in the UK is the attitude other people have towards success.  I've encountered extraordinary jealousy of my astounding achievements.  Recently, one of my supporters sent me this fucking video about me, Cams and Ozzy:

Fucking childish bollocks isn't it?  If me and Dave were in a relationship (and I could do a lot better you know.  I've seen Paddy Ashdown checking me out) I would be the fucking daddy.  Cams would be down on all fours with a chain round his neck and a fucking hamster stuffed in his mouth or whatever.  Fuck yeah.

This sort of thing is what you get when fucking media studies students at Lancaster University get big ideas in their heads.  You know what? You may as well quit University now and go and get a head start on your fucking night shift at Tesco's which you'll be doing for the next 40 years. 

Reflections on Success

During the election campaign I was compared to Winston Churchill on more that one occasion.  Now I don't really know who the fuck he was or what he did, but I know when people are basically trying to say "Nick, you're fucking awesome."




Basically this is me, but I can't really smoke cigars that well.


So how did I do it?  How did I become Britain's top politician and a world statesman?  What is the secret Nick Clegg ingredient?  What's my magic formula?  Why aren't I smashing windows and waving stupid fuckin banners around like those lazy fucking students?  Why am I different?  How did I break the mould?

I'll tell you.  Fucking hard work.  My Dad might've been Chairman of an International Bank.  My Mum might be descended from Bulgarian royalty or whatever.  I might've gone to one of the most prestigious public schools in the country.  Maybe I did have a private ski instructor from the age of 4.  Some might say my path has been paved with gold, but let me tell you right now: a path might be paved in gold, but you've still got to fucking walk down it.  And I've worked hard every step of the journey, the Nick Clegg way.  That's why I'm the strongest political brand in the country right now.

Lembit Opik

Just heard that Lembit Opik's been taking the piss out of me on the wikileaks or whatever the fuck that whole story is. 

Proper dickhead, this one.  Avoid at all costs.

I haven't got time to respond properly to what he said, because I've been too busy fucking crap popstars, being dumped by weathergirls, making a twat of myself on third rate reality TV shows and worrying about being squashed by an asteroid.  Oh, wait, hold on, that's not me is it; it's him.  Fucking twat.

If you like quality journalism by the way, try his column in the Daily Sport.  Top political analysis.  Really.

Christmas Shopping

I got fuckin Vince Cable in the cabinet secret santa.  Nightmare.  Grumpy old twat hates capitalism, probably hates Christmas too.  Probably wants me to donate a goat to a fuckin african orphan or something.  Fuck that.



What do we need? Soap! When do we need it? Now! Hahaha   

   So I was in topshop yesterday having a look at the cufflinks for Vince when a bunch of unwashed fucking pricks turn up and start glueing themselves to the fucking windows and pulling out all these banners and shit.  Fuck knows what it was all about.  Now I don't mind a bit of a protest every now and then but If you can't be bothered to have a shower in the morning then as far as I'm concerned you can fuck off.

Fuckin Celebrities

When I heard that Kate Moss wasn't supporting the Lib Dems anymore I was fuckin gutted.  I would've been chasing me up some of that meat if I'd known she had a thing for me.  Here's the fuckin story

Celebrity Lib Dem Kate Moss.  I'd put her on my front bench.

Colin Firth as well apparently, been shooting his mouth off.  To be honest though, I'm not sure if anyone even gives a shit about him anymore.  He hasn't been in anything good since Blackadder, and that was in the 80s, for fucks sake.

Anyways, I don't really understand whats giving them issues.  We wound up the Lib Dems after the election, of course no-one's supporting them anymore.

The Apprentice

Getting the nibbles ready for my Apprentice final party.  My mates Bill 'The Hague' Hague, George 'Ozzy' Osborne and Dave 'Cams' Cameron are coming round.

Should be a good night.  Could get a bit messy if The Hague gets anywhere near the whisky cabinet if you know what i mean.

Anyways I reckon we should be using this kind of reality TV shit in politics and stuff.  Like, instead of us MPs just doing what we want, what if we had an Alan Sugar type  saying 'yer fired' whenever we messed up, something like that.

"yer fired!" Hahaha.  Sir Alan would never fire me.   

Cams and Ozzy say I'm crazy, that we've basically been chosen by Jesus or something to be in charge of everything because we're the smartest.  We'll see.  I'm always coming up with new ideas for how politics could work though.  That's what I'm like.

Anyways, enjoy the show.  Go Chris!

Hi Everybody!

I love this shot.  Great mix of sincerity, honesty and openness.
The complete Clegg package, captured for posterity.

I've been taking a bit of stick from the fuckin students over the last couple of weeks so I've decided to set up this blog to get a bit of good publicity going.  I'll be talking about playing darts, going down the pub, politics, life, and literally anything else that my team think might go down well with the punters.

Before we get down to the serious stuff, just thought I'd tell you all that I've been voted 'Politician of the Year' by the Spectator magazine.  Must be doing something right eh?

Unfortunately, not everyone is quite so enlightened.  The fuckin students for example.  The problem with these fuckin protests is that they reflect a deep mis-comprehension of how my new brand of politics works.  Let me explain.  In a perfect world, of course, election promises would be kept.  Nobody wants to break promises, do they?  But these students are acting like I deliberately cunted them over for a chance of power, which is complete bollocks.  Cunts. 

As I was signing those enormous stupid fuckin cardboard pledges before the election, I 100% meant to keep to my word not to raise tuition fees.  The problem was, when I made the pledge, I simply didn't know how big the Clegg brand could become.  As I swept to victory in the general election, a new political landscape emerged.  I was the star of the election.  The belle of the ball.  A new era had arrived, and I was riding shotgun on the cutting edge of the political zeitgeist. 

You've got to keep your ideas fresh in such a dynamic environment.  Our old policies from before I exploded into the nation's consciousness seemed like they were from another world.  A medieval, pre-Cleggian world.  So I had to look to the future, and discard the past.  How  progressive is that? Exactly.

So stop fuckin whinging.