One of the problems of being a successful politician in the UK is the attitude other people have towards success. I've encountered extraordinary jealousy of my astounding achievements. Recently, one of my supporters sent me this fucking video about me, Cams and Ozzy:
Fucking childish bollocks isn't it? If me and Dave were in a relationship (and I could do a lot better you know. I've seen Paddy Ashdown checking me out) I would be the fucking daddy. Cams would be down on all fours with a chain round his neck and a fucking hamster stuffed in his mouth or whatever. Fuck yeah.
This sort of thing is what you get when fucking media studies students at Lancaster University get big ideas in their heads. You know what? You may as well quit University now and go and get a head start on your fucking night shift at Tesco's which you'll be doing for the next 40 years.
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